The Ashley Horror Picture Show
by OmarSnake
Summary: Ash and Linda get distracted on their way to the cabin....


Evil Dead Halloween Treat By: OmarSnake 01 EXT. A DARKENED ROAD, WINDING THROUGH A FORBIDDING FOREST, DURING A RAINSTORM.  
  
A car's headlights cut through the rain. Its windshield wipers beat frantically back and forth, trying to give the driver visibility in the downpour. The car is a 1973 Delta 88 Oldsmobile. At the wheel of the car, cursing under his breath as he tries to see the road, is ASH WILLIAMS. Sitting beside him, using a pen light to read a map, is LINDA SELBY.  
  
02 INT. A STUDY, IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. (Unlike the previous shot, this sequence is filmed in Black and White)  
  
The room is large and opulunet, with mahogany bookcases, a large desk with a prominent globe of the world. A well-padded armchair has its back to the camera. It swings around, revealing the NARRATOR. He bears a striking resemblance to Rod Serling, and is dressed in an appropriate grey suit with black necktie. He speaks directly to us  
  
NARRATOR Presented for your consideration... One Ashley J. Williams and one Linda Selby. Young lovers, on a trip to a secluded mountain cabin. In another reality, the events that would follow would haunt Ash Williams from then on. But one wonders, what a simple twist of fate might cause....  
  
03 EXT. NIGHT, ON THE DARKENED ROAD (back to color film)  
  
Back at the car. ASH concentrates on visibility, leaning forward in his seat. LINDA's lips move as she reads over the map. The car radio plays a song by R.E.M.  
  
LINDA If I'm reading this right, it's just another ten miles until we reach the intersection with Goldhollow Road. Then we turn left.  
  
ASH That's assuming we even get there alive.  
  
LINDA Thanks so much, Mr. Optimist.  
  
ASH Hey, just statin' facts. You might want to do a few Hail Marys, just in case.  
  
LINDA (leaning closer, smiling seductively) Well, maybe we should pull over then....  
  
ASH (oblivious to her flirtacious smile) Yeah, but I'd hate to waste the first night's rent we paid for that cabin.  
  
LINDA reaches over and places her hand on ASH's leg, near his upper -- and inner -- thigh. He looks up at her, and she smiles and playfully licks her lips.  
  
ASH (the situation finally dawning on him) Ohhh, THAT kind of 'pull over then'.... Well, if you---  
  
LINDA (startled) ASH, WATCH OUT!  
  
ASH looks up just in time to see a deer, caught in the headlights of the Oldsmobile. He swerves the car sharply, and it skids off the side of the road and into a ditch. The deer vaults away, into the woods.  
  
Inside the Oldsmobile, ASH gets his bearings and looks over at LINDA.  
  
ASH You okay?  
  
LINDA Fine... just startled.  
  
ASH tries to shift the car into reverse, but it won't budge. Then, he tries forward. Still nothing.  
  
ASH Aw, come on! Move for daddy...  
  
The car does not comply. ASH and LINDA listen for a moment as the rain beats down on the roof.  
  
LINDA This would be romantic if we weren't stranded.  
  
ASH We're not stranded, we just.... (beat).... don't know where we are. Yet. But we'll figure it out. (reaches for door) You wait here, I'll go find some farmhouse near here and ask them to call a tow truck.  
  
LINDA Wait here? Like some ditzy machete-bait in a horror movie? Nuh uh.  
  
ASH But it's pouring outside. We don't BOTH need to get wet.  
  
LINDA I don't mind getting wet with you.  
  
ASH My goodness, that sounded like innuendo.  
  
They kiss. LINDA reaches for a newspaper from the back seat and hands him half. Bracing themselves, the two step out of the car and into the deluge.  
  
04 EXT. ROAD. NIGHT.  
  
ASH and LINDA race down the road, trying not to get soaked. They aren't doing a very good job avoiding it. A motorcycle roars past them, and veers down a side road up ahead.  
  
ASH Well, there's a sign of civilization.  
  
LINDA Or a Biker Bar.  
  
ASH Either way, they might have a pay phone.  
  
They head the direction of the side road. It is a dirt road, leading through thick shrubbery and a grove of trees. They run down the road, splashing up mud. The dirt road winds around to a clearing, at the far end of which stands a majestic and imposing mansion.  
  
Lightning flashes overhead.  
  
A glow of light appears in a high window of the mansion, illuminating a path to the building. ASH and LINDA look at one another curiously. There is no sign of the motorcycle, or its driver. Simply an old house with a single illuminated window. Taking LINDA by the hand, ASH starts up the stairs to the front porch.  
  
05 EXT. COVERED FRONT PORCH  
  
The wood is rickety and decrepit, but the house seems intact. ASH reaches forward tentatively and rings the doorbell.  
  
LINDA God, I hope they have a roaring fireplace.  
  
ASH I just hope they're not some chainsaw massacre family.  
  
The door opens. Throbbing, pulsating music is heard from within, as if there is a party going on. A figure leans out the door quickly. Both its sudden movement and its appearance startle LINDA. It is the BUTLER, a freakishly thin, bald man with piercing eyes and a ratty black tuxedo.  
  
BUTLER (his voice raspy, but with a touch of wryness) Hello.  
  
ASH Uh.. hi. My name is Ash, and this is my girlfriend Linda. Our car went into a ditch about two miles up the road. Do you have a phone we could use?  
  
There is a moment of awkward silence.  
  
BUTLER You're wet.  
  
LINDA Yes, the rain has been very heavy.  
  
ASH Yes.  
  
BUTLER Yes.  
  
A bolt of lighting illuminates a row of vehicles parked beside the trees near the mansion. There are motorcycles, sports cars, and the like. ASH notices them, and the BUTLER looks at them and then back at ASH.  
  
BUTLER I think you had better both come inside.  
  
LINDA You're too kind.  
  
They enter apprehensively.  
  
06 INT. MANSION.  
  
It is a dark, creepy place, even on the inside. Cobwebs hang from the ceilings, rats scurry in the shadows. THE BUTLER leads ASH and LINDA down a stairway, beckoning them to follow. The music has become louder.  
  
LINDA (sotto voice) This place is starting to creep me out.  
  
ASH (sotto voice) Oh, it's probably just some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.  
  
They arrive at a hallway at the bottom of the stairs. Another servant, a beautiful if somewhat Euro-decadent-looking MAID, is vacuuming the stairs.  
  
BUTLER This way.  
  
LINDA steps over the vacuum lead, and smiles apologetically down at the MAID, who barely seems to react.  
  
LINDA Are you giving a party?  
  
BUTLER No. You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the master's affairs.  
  
LINDA (uncertainly) Oh, lucky him.  
  
MAID He's lucky.  
  
ASH and LINDA look back at the MAID, who suddenly seems awakened from her stupor.  
  
MAID (cackling) You're lucky, I'm lucky, we're ALL lucky!!!  
  
ASH and LINDA are rather unnerved by this outburst from the domestic. They look back to the BUTLER. He is now standing by a set of mirrors reflecting back to infinity. The throbbing music beats through the air, and the BUTLER smirks.  
  
BUTLER (singing in tempo with the music) It's amazing Dimensional portals are phasing Psychosis has its day But listen to me There is no mistaking Evil will have its way  
  
The BUTLER begins to dance frenetically, arms flailing up in the air as he does so. ASH and LINDA move closer together, ASH putting a protective arm around his gal.  
  
BUTLER (still singing) I remember, during a space warp, Thinking, of those moments when The demons would haunt me, And a voice would be calling...  
  
LINDA clings to ASH as the BUTLER throws open a set of double doors, leadining into a huge black and silver ballroom. At the furthest end of the room is a throne-like chair, and surround it a theatre proscenium. Filling the room are guests, a motley crew of distorted figures clad in strange but elegant evening wear.  
  
GUESTS (singing, in unison and gyrating the music) Let's read the Necro-nom-icon!  
  
LINDA faints into ASH's arms. The BUTLER is ecstatic. ASH revives LINDA.  
  
GUESTS (repeating their action) Let's read the Necro-nom-icon!  
  
LINDA faints again.  
  
CUT TO  
  
07 INT. STUDY, IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. (Filmed, again, in black and white)  
  
Our Rod Serling lookalike NARRATOR moves from his desk to the wall behind him. He pulls down a chart that shows an illustration of the cover of the Necronomicon Ex Mortis, a distorted face stretched across the front of a tome bound in human skin and written in blood. The NARRATOR uses a pointer to point at the book in the drawing.  
  
NARRATOR (singing) It's just a book of the dead.  
  
08 CUT TO: INT. BALLROOM  
  
The guests all step to the left in unison.  
  
GUESTS (singing and dancing) From a time before Bab-y-lo-o-o-on!  
  
09 CUT TO: STUDY (and back to black and white)  
  
NARRATOR, standing on top of his table and doing the same dance, swings the pointer back in the direction of the picture of the book.  
  
NARRATOR (singing) If you read the wrong verse  
  
Then, NARRATOR puts his hands on his hips, and pulls his knees in tight.  
  
10 CUT TO: BALLROOM  
  
ALL of the GUESTS have hands on hips and pull their knees in tight, in the same position.  
  
GUESTS (singing) Your sanity will be go-o-oone. And if you cast a spell ...  
  
The rows of GUESTS thrust their pelvises forward suddenly, in unison..  
  
GUESTS (Cont) You really risk your sou-u-u-u-u-ul!  
  
We see them from the balcony and they open out in formation.  
  
GUESTS (Cont) Let's read the Necro-Nom-Icon!  
  
LINDA revives.  
  
GUESTS (Cont) Let's read the Necro-Nom-Icon!  
  
ASH and LINDA slowly move along the wall, trying to make their way to a safe corridor. They stop as the dancers come to a halt and stare their direction. The music halts.  
  
Behind ASH and LINDA, who do not notice it, an elevator lift slowly descends, bearing a figure in a black cloak and stilleto heels.  
  
LINDA Ash, please, let's get out of here.  
  
ASH For God's sake, keep a grip on yourself, Linda.  
  
The GUESTS stare mesmerized at the lift as it slowly descends. LINDA looks back over her shoulder, noticing the stilleto heel through the metal latticework of the lift. She looks up at the face of its owner. LINDA faints into ASH's arms once again.  
  
The figure turns and throws open lift cage door. It is a striking-looking man with pale, near-white skin, high cheekbones, curly black hair, and bright red, painted lips. His eyes are outlined with dark eye shadow, and earrings hang from each ear. He wears a feather boa around the collar of the sequined cloak. His name is DR. FRANKENFURTER. He regards ASH and the unconscious LINDA with a smirk. ASH pats LINDA on the cheek to bring her around. She does just as a new musical beat begins pulsating through the room.  
  
FRANKENFURTER How do you do? (singing) I see you've met my faithful handy-  
  
Before he can finish singing the line, ASH throws a punch, knocking FRANKENFURTER back. His stiletto heels kick high in the air as he flails backwards, landing on his back. ASH grabs LINDA around the waist and pulls her along as he steps on FRANKENFURTER, who yelps, and then past him, into the lift. ASH pulls the gate closed and throws the lever, activating the lift. The BUTLER helps FRANKENFURTER to his feet as the GUESTS stare upwards at the lift as it goes to the main floor of the mansion.  
  
FRANKENFURTER (still out of breath) How rude.  
  
11 INT. MANSION. MAIN FLOOR.  
  
ASH throws open the gate before the lift is entirely at ground level, and helps LINDA off. They run to the front door. At the stairwell leading down to the basement, they hear yelling.  
  
LINDA (looking back over her shoulder) What the Hell was THAT all about?  
  
ASH Don't know, don't care. Let's get outta here before it gets any weirder.  
  
He throws open the door and the two race off into the dark, rainy night. The storm has grown more intense, and the wind howls and lightning fills the sky. Behind them, FRANKENFURTER, the BUTLER and the GUESTS race up the stairs, and out onto the front porch.  
  
12 EXT. COVERED FRONT PORCH OF THE MANSION  
  
FRANKENFURTER skids to a sudden halt, and directly behind him the BUTLER and the GUESTS do so as well, falling backwards into a tumbled mess. FRANKENFURTER looks up at the sky, wincing. Lightning flashes across the sky, and the departing figures of ASH and LINDA are visible darting into the woods at the end of the clearing. FRANKENFURTER scowls at them.  
  
FRANKENFURTER (looking out at the falling rain) Anyone have an umbrella? I'd hate to get my boa wet.  
  
The BUTLER shrugs apologetically. The camera swings out to the rainy night.  
  
13. EXT. DARKENED ROAD  
  
The rain continues to pound down as the mud-soaked figures of ASH and LINDA race down the street. As the camera pulls back, they become dots in the distance. The camera spins into a blur.  
  
14. INT. THE NARRATOR'S STUDY (filmed in black & white)  
  
The blurring camera image fades into a spinning globe beside the NARRATOR'S desk.  
  
The NARRATOR puts his hand on the globe, stopping it.  
  
NARRATOR And so our young heroes escaped into the night, never fully understanding the intentions of the strange denizens of the mansion, or their dark quest for the book known as the Necronomicon Ex Mortis. And they lived happily ever after. (shrugs) Except that's not the way it really ended.  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
15. EXT. FRANKENFURTER'S MANSION  
  
The storm continues to beat down, and lightning fills the sky. In between rumbles of thunder, we hear the unmistakable and agonized scream of ASH coming from the mansion. The scream echoes through the night as we....  
  
FADE OUT. 


End file.
